auraesque: Mad Men (Default)
Originally posted on February 22, 2009. Reposted to this journal June 28, 2009.

It's been a while, hasn't it? I have been very busy and vaguely stressed with work and training.

Work has been going well. I go in each morning, do my creative thing, and come home at night. The new roommates are fantastic, and we have been getting along quite well. Jerri is very quiet and shy, but pleasant; Leslie is funny and happy. We each do our part, and things have been going smoothly.

I've started volunteering on weekends at the local rape crisis center. I am enjoying it. It's tough, but I feel like I am helping people. I am glad these programs exist, and I hope people can find them.

So, it finally happened: I ran into Caroline on the street. I was at the bus stop waiting to head home when a little blond thing passed me. I almost didn't recognize her. We made eye contact, and I know I must have looked strangely at her as I tried to place her face. Part of me wanted to call out to her, but she sped off so quickly in a huff.

Sometimes, I wonder what she thinks about all that happened. Is she ever sorry? Was she ever hurt by him? Did she feel like she was betrayed by me?

I guess I will never really know.

You know, I got a comment on this blog recently about moving on. I think about that a lot--I feel like I should have just moved on by now. Unfortunately, it's not that simple. There aren't too many nightmares anymore, but the flashbacks continue. Anything can trigger them: the smell of a certain cologne, booze, the face of a man wearing glasses or a voice. Soldiers suffer from PTSD well into old age, and so do rape survivors.

We deal with flashbacks and the triggers in our own ways over time. Some survivors compartmentalize: the break their story into little boxes and store them away in the attic of their mind, taking them out only when appropriate, like boxes of old photo albums. Other survivors talk incessantly about the rape, they seek out potential triggers, read books, watch movies. Survivors may ping pong from one extreme to another over weeks and over years--healing can take a lifetime, and there are many, many ways to cope, none of them wrong and none of them right.

Think of it like this: every survivor has a toolbox filled with hammers and nails and glue and wood. You can take those tools and build something beautiful, like a birdhouse or art. You can also take that hammer and smash in someone's skull, most likely your own (figuratively speaking). Surviving is figuring out what to do with those tools, and you will very likely smash your thumb a few times before hitting that nail just right.

I am not going to give you the information about my local crisis center, but I strongly, strongly urge everyone to visit the national resource at least once in the near future: RAINN.org.
auraesque: Mad Men (Default)
This entry is made up of both blog entries and articles published to the Daily Free Press during the month of October, 2007.

LETTER: Surviving sexual assault, with BU's helpful support
Published:
Monday, October 1, 2007

Last week The Daily Free Press published a staff editorial lamenting a lack of safety resources on the Boston University campus ("Unsafe Week," Sept. 28, p. 6). As a survivor of sexual assault, I became all too familiar with the rape-response resources available at BU and in Boston.

Read more... )

As a result of this letter, a school official was later quoted in an article:

Though St. Hilaire said there is no connection between the recent publicity of sexual assaults and the number of cases being reported, Riley did not rule out a possible correlation.

"Perhaps it is a reason when someone else steps forward and reports an assault," he said. "I read a letter in the Free Press [recently] from someone who spoke about her situation [as a rape victim] and is better for it. I think that's a courageous thing to do."


And on October 2, I wrote:

I was called courageous. :) I don't know if I can agree, but damn, it's a nice feeling.

The letter also resulted in an interview with student journalist Felicity Tan, available under the cut )
auraesque: Mad Men (Default)
Originally posted on July 2, 2007. Reposted to this journal June 28, 2009.

I logged onto facebook this morning to find a picture of Caroline and a few other friends hugging and smoozing with the asshole who assaulted me. Not cool. I don't know how I feel right now.

Read more... )
auraesque: Mad Men (Default)
Originally posted on June 14, 2007. Reposted to this journal June 28, 2009.

It's always fun to receive a phone call from a cheerful young woman from the hospital informing me I owe $100 for the emergency room visit when I was previously informed that I was not responsible for any costs because in the cases of rape, the state pays the difference.

I just really, really didn't want to get that phone call.

Originally posted on June 28, 2007.

When I am a bigshot corporate lawyer, I will set aside time and money to do pro bono cases against these assholes who think that rape, assault and molestation are perfectly acceptable behaviour.

One of my longtime friends was sexually assaulted on her way to class outside a fucking police school!

It enrages me that people can tell a young women that she HAS to go forward to the police after an assault, and then when I step up and say,"No. She doesn't. It is scary, and she needs to make the right choice for her. When someone tells a survivor that she or he should go to the police, it is victim blaming, not matter how good the intentions," those same people turn on me and tell me I have no idea what I am talking about, that this girl HAS to at least think of future victims, that she HAS to do something to get this guy in jail.

NO NO NO NO NO!

THe only thing she has to do is take care of herself, you assholes.

auraesque: Mad Men (Default)

This entry was posted on April 20, 2007, 21 days after the assault. Reposted to this journal June 28, 2009. Although the assault is not described in detail, a Rape Kit is. This entry may be triggering.

I haven't written in a long time, but I haven't really felt like it. I didn't want to compromise any legal ongoings. I think we're done with that. To the best of my memory, this was what has happened. Cut for triggering. It's mostly for my own record, anyhow.

On Sunday, April 1, instead of walking into the store I work at, I crossed the street and walked into a Massachusetts State police station. I intended only to asked, "If a young women reports a rape, but she was drinking at the time, can she be charged with underage drinking? Can ehr friends be chracged with supplying alcohol to a minor?"
 

Read more... )

 

auraesque: Supernatural (Dean's got a gun)
Originally posted on March 31, 2007, approximately 18 hours after the rape.  Reposted to this journal June 28, 2009.

This entry may be triggering.
Names have been changed to protect both the innocent and myself.

What's wrong with me? I did it again. I drank so much, half my night is gone. I found out later I had sex with a boy who I am absolutely repulsed by. I'm not attracted to him, and I think he is a dirtbag. I'm sure I told him I didn't want to have sex. I didn't even want to kiss him. I sat down on the couch and all of a sudden we were making out and I feel so sick and disgusting and I don't know what to do with myself.
Read more... )

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